Allow me to confess something. I have a history of depression. It comes in waves and at different times. But usually it's unexpected. And when it grabs a hold of me, it can cause me to question my calling; it can make me doubt my understanding of reality; it can influence me to give up on all God has in store for me.

This last month has been like that for me. I was so busy with so much that I didn't even realize that I had become depressed again. When I began to slow down and was able to process stuff again, I realized that I had started to question my calling and dread waking up to take on the day.

And then the Lord brought me to Ephesians 6. And through it, he spoke life back into my sleeping heart. Ephesians 6:10-13 says,

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore..."

And as I read this, the Spirit of God began to hover over the chaos in my heart (cf. Gen. 1:2). It was almost as if the Spirit was telling me that I had been looking at this life all wrong. It wasn't about me fighting for God or working hard to produce something God could use. God was already doing the work. He just needed me to stand firm.

And he just needs you to stand firm. The secret to being strong in the Lord and with the strength of his might is simply standing firm. Don't back down. It's not your strength that he needs. It's not your skill that he is looking for. It's not your cunning wisdom that he is relying on. What he needs is for you to stand firm against the devil, and not to run away.

When you're discouraged, stand firm.
When you're beginning to doubt, stand firm.
When you're getting impatient, stand firm.
When you're feeling hopeless, stand firm.

This is not a battle against things we can see. There are greater forces at play and you are a crucial part to God's plan. He is looking for you to simply be present in the battle. This is God's battle. And we are using his weapons. And we are fighting on his turf. He needs us in the fight, and he needs us to simply stand firm. He will win the fight through our stand.

You just did that thing you told yourself you would never do...

You looked in the mirror this morning and realized that you grew up to be just like your dad...
You woke up this morning and realized what happened last night...and why he is laying next to you...
You just said something nasty that you know you will never be able to take back...
You just went to that website, and you know she will find out...

Sin makes a huge mark on our lives. It cannot be erased. It stays in your story, always haunting you, and never letting you move on. Often, we go to great lengths to cover up what we did. We even, in extreme cases, think of ending it all so that we don't have to deal with the consequences.

Sin has consequences. But we often don't realize it until it is too late. Then what? Is there hope? Is it worth it to suffer through the consequences? Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? Better question: is there a light at the end of my heart? Will I ever give up this pet sin? Can I overcome? Is there such a thing as grace?

I was just reading this morning in Matthew 26-27. In particular, I was reading two accounts of extreme sorrow. Peter was wrecked over denying Jesus. Judas was wrecked over betraying Jesus and seeing him condemned. Both had committed extreme sins against the Son of God. But there was an essential difference between these two men. Peter returned to Jesus - sin and all - and found redemption and grace (cf. John 21:15-17). Judas just took his life. He couldn't handle the thought of bearing the consequences of his sin.

Something that hit me as I was reading about these two men this morning was that they represent a choice that all of us must make. All of us make mistakes, and sometimes we make huge ones. We sin, and there is no denying it. And when we do, we must face the consequences of our sins. But here is where the choice comes in: we can either face the crushing weight of our sin and let it overwhelm us like Judas did, or we can turn to Jesus and find strength and hope and grace to make it through like Peter did.

This seems like an easy choice, but so often I see people choose to act out of hopelessness, whether they turn to cutting, porn, running away, or, in extreme cases, suicide. Why is it so easy and compelling these days to run to pseudo-saviors? Why do we turn to these things to hide from the consequences of our sins?

I have three suggestions as to why I think people don't turn to Jesus to find grace in their disgrace:

1. They don't think they deserve it. This is a legitimate problem today. So many people out there don't think that they will receive God's grace because they don't deserve it. They usually will think they have to do more good works to muster up favor with God, or do more penance, or perform three more sacraments, or cut one more thing out of their life, or fast longer, and so on. They think they have to earn God's grace. But that's what grace is all about. You can't earn it! It is a gift - that you don't deserve! That's the whole point. If you deserved it, you wouldn't need grace. It wouldn't even be grace; it would just be your wages - what you earned.

So I encourage you, if you are feeling like you can't get grace because you don't deserve it: lay down your pride and turn to Jesus with all of your garbage. He will forgive. That's real grace.

2. They don't know they can turn to Jesus. Most people don't know that grace can be found with Jesus because they don't even know Jesus, and think he is just a religious symbol on a cross necklace or bumper sticker. This is a tragedy. People don't know that they can find grace with Jesus because they don't even know about Jesus.

So I encourage you, if you are a Christian reading this, pray for those who don't know about the grace of Jesus. Pray that millions today would find the healing and restoring grace of Jesus.

3. They don't want to be humble enough to ask for grace. This is something that I see around me everyday. People are too proud to ask for grace. They think they can figure it out on their own. They think that they can navigate the spider's web of their mess on their own. But when they mess it up even more, they don't want to admit they were wrong in the first place. But we have made it so much easier these days to medicate our messes with apps, social groups, drugs, pursuits, and other false gods of this century (read my post on medicating our pain here), that the grace that Jesus offers gets lost amidst our plethora of "saviors." So that when our sins confront us again and again and again, we are not told to give it up and run to Jesus for forgiveness and hope and grace and redemption. Instead, we are told, "There's an app for that!"

So I encourage you, if you are lost in the middle of your false saviors who promise healing, but give more needs, turn to Jesus. Lay down your pride and admit that you can't do this on your own. You need Jesus. Today.

With the color palette of my imagination
I expressively begin to paint
Four walls
Four cold walls.
There are no lights on, so everything is dark.
No light is present but that which creeps through
One solitary window in the corner.
Enough light is present to make out the vague forms
Of a few objects in the room.

Four walls.
Four cold walls.
Four cold, empty walls.
Four cold, empty, looming walls.
They remind me how lonely the room is.
They remind me how lonely the figure in the middle is.

He is curled up on the floor,
Gripped by fear,
Thrashed by his own selfishness,
Sucked of life by depression.
He is merely a skeleton of what he used to be.
The stretched skin draped across his ribs
Reveal how thin he has been pulled
By the demands of an image;
An unrealistic image he daily projects upon himself.

This scraggly silhouette raises his shamed head.
He casts his weary gaze to
The corner of the darkened room:
The corner with the only shed of light.
He makes out a small box
Occupying the only illuminated piece of the floor.

During the next few hours,
He slowly makes his way across the floor
To reach the box.
Upon his arrival, he stares at its golden luster.
Until now, he knew nothing of its incredible worth.
This, this golden box could afford him anything.
Everything.
Healing.
Freedom.
Anything he ever wanted to buy.
This box,
His faithful companion in this miserable room
Was the best thing that ever happened to him.
He had all he needed....

Now if only he could find a way out

So he could experience its worth...

 

 

Jesus, even when the lights are turned off,

You are just as shiny.

Even though nothing in the room reflects you,

You are just as brilliant.

 

Even when it's cold in this room,

You are just as valuable.

No shred of heat could compare

To your infinite worth.

 

Even when the walls are caving in,

Even though I am terrified,

Even in the midst of my brokenness,

You are just as safe.

 

 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 43:5