"Where did it all go?"

This is a question my wife and I ask a lot when we review our finances each week. It never seems like we have enough to pay for anything...like food, or transportation, or ministry, or other unimportant stuff. We pay our bills, buy just enough food for a week or so, and fill the cars with gas. So when the car broke down on my wife today while I was at work, I had no way of fixing it or even paying someone else to fix it. I felt so helpless and useless. And on the way home from work, it all came crashing down on me. I felt so terrible that I have subjected her to this really low standard of living. I guess I had been holding onto this notion that I have to give her everything in order to make her happy.

But God has been teaching me something really hard, but really valuable: We don't need everything, just Him. And to show me this, it feels like he is stripping away everything that I hold onto really tight. To show that He is the ultimate Provider and Protector, he is putting me in so many situations where I can't protect or provide it all, so I have to rely on Him to come through. And all of this was running through my mind there in the car, the song "Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets came on the radio. It was almost like God was speaking directly to me in that moment saying, "Brant, I am making you broken, so you can rely on Me to heal you. I am making you empty so you can rely on only Me to fill you." And in that moment, I felt at ease because I knew that everything would work out fine, despite how much worry the Enemy was trying to inflict on me.

I realized something today. There is a great blessing in not having it all. It is actually to my benefit to be empty and broken because in those times of great need, I know that I cannot hold it all together by myself. I must rely on God, or, to be more correct, I get to rely on God. It is such an incredible feeling to leap into the strong merciful arms of the One who I know holds everything together (Colossians 1:17). God will always take care of me. For this I can give thanks. He will never let me fall. Because of this, I live with confidence. There is always something to be thankful for when I am relying on God. And as Ann Voskamp said in her book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are, "As long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible."

I wonder where you derive your joy these days. Are you discovering the beauty of relying on God? If so, let me know about it in the comments below!

When my brother and I were kids, we used to wrestle a lot...like many brothers probably do. Because

I was the older brother, I was usually able to beat him because I was stronger. But as we grew older, my win streaks became more sporadic until I could no longer take him. Now he weighs more than me and is twice as strong as me. Every wrestling match is an embarrassment now. I remember one time in college where my floor held it's annual Wrestle Mania during Founder's Week. As I feared, everyone thought it would be a great spectacle to see me and brother duke it out on the mat. Also as I feared, all present saw a 20 second pin resulting in him sitting on top of me. And as much as I tried, I couldn't push him off. He was too heavy. His caboose just sank into my back like a ton of bricks on a feather bed.

I think at some point in all of our lives, grace is a little like that for us. It shows up in our lives and just sinks down upon our selfish, defiant hearts. That was my story this morning as I was at church. We began to sing a song that talked about the grace of God, and my rebel heart began to resist. And as it kept chasing me across the wastelands of my own resistance, it finally hit me like a ton of bricks and sank heavy upon heart until I surrendered to God once again and let him speak grace and joy and peace into my heart. And as the tidal waves of God's love kept crashing over me, I was brought to tears of joy.

See, there's this funny thing about grace. It is extremely heavy for a selfish heart to bear. You cannot accept God's grace when you are constantly trying to justify yourself. Unless you give up trying to prove how awesome you are on your own, grace will just weigh down on you and make you feel guilty and weak. You just become exhausted trying to prove your worth on your own. But the minute you open your heart to accept God's love and grace, you will feel more freedom and peace than you have ever known in your life. The moment you drop the burden of control over your own life and accept the load of grace that Jesus offers, you will find how light and amazing it is. Indeed, Jesus even said,

"Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourself. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 (HCSB)

So my encouragement to you this week is to stop trying so hard to find approval from everyone by making all the right moves and saying all the right things. You are more valuable to your heavenly Father than just for what you say or do. He loves you for who you are. So run to Him in prayer and in his Word, and seek his grace. And there is where you will find what your heart has always been looking for - unconditional love and unending grace.

He wants you. Just for you. Seriously.

I wrote this as a outburst of my heart after singing the hymn Sovereign by Chris Tomlin this morning in church. I was overwhelmed with the sovereign tenderness of my Heavenly Father, and how much he takes joy in any little attempt I make to love him back.

In a tender moment

In the eye of my mind

I see a father weeping - 

With tears, soft and mild - 

In the fragile embrace

Of his loving child.

"Daddy, are you sad?

Did I do any wrong?"

"No, my child, I'm not.

There is no sadness here.

I cry because of love - 

There is joy in these tears."

The the moment is done.

I wake and then I see

That You were the Father,

And the child was me. 

--- --- ---

This is a poem I wrote for my fiance to give to her the day I proposed.

---

I imagine myself

In the future afar

In an old wooden office

And my door ajar.

I am typing away

With a bad writer’s block

When out at the door

Comes a soft, saddened knock.

A sad, youthful chap

Mopes in kind of slow.

No spring in his step,

His head hanging low.

When asked, “What’s the matter?”

He let out a sigh,

And said to me slowly,

“I don’t understand why…”

“Trouble with the lady?”

I asked knowingly.

“How do you love mom

So romantically?”

I just sat there

As I thought for a while,

Until finally

I said with a smile,

“Son, there is a lot

That I don’t understand -

Like a flower in bloom;

Or how life began;

Or the way that whenever

I come up with a plan

It fails, and I’m struggling

To do what I can.

You see, there’s a lot

That I don’t understand,

But none quite compares

To this Quest of a man:

Loving a woman -

I’m learning a whole lot -

Not the greatest knight

In all Camelot,

Would be up for a Quest

So brave and so bold.

I’m learning some things

Even though I am old:

To love a woman,

You must let her go.

Love must mean action

Not merely a show.

Leading her is more

Than simply a title.

I must rule myself

Or I’ll make her an idol.

To love her like Jesus

Means giving up myself.

There’s no time for pride -

Feelings go on the shelf -

Like straining myself

To go the extra mile

To inspire some romance

If only for a smile;

Trying to cheer her

Even when I feel gloomy;

Or help with her homework,

Kind of like her roomie;

To make time for her,

Sacrificing my plans;

To love her and earn

The respect of a man.

I don’t understand

How simple this sounds

But for some reason

I’ve only figured out

The way to her heart

No science can tout,

But pure, patient love

Day in and day out.

Son, love is a verb.

It walks and has feet.

It’s not about you.

Your will you must beat.

Around every store,

And with ever fashion,

You’ll hear loud and clear:

“Love’s about passion!”

While it’s partly true,

It misses the point.

Commitment and effort

Give love its joints.

Your love will die

Without dedication.

Love is a lifestyle

Without a vacation.”

And if that weren’t enough,

I added just one

Concluding advice

For my disheartened son.

“I cherish Christine,

As I have all these years,

Because Christ loved me first

And calms all my fears.”

And though it was rather

A hard pill to swallow,

I saw him embrace

A brighter tomorrow.